With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.