Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat