I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
nature’s most graceful animal
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.