I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
fourth time’s the charm
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.