Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
58.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.