When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
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This is a whole mood;
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)