I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
cats when you pet them too long:
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
tell em, edith-anne
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.