My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
You Might Also Like
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.