me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Things will get butter, keep churning
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
<- sleeps well with others
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds