Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
how much does a mortician urn in a year
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Are we there yet?…
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.