if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
What’s a Messi?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor