Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.