sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Morning.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Mouse
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.