Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
That’s it.I’m out.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early