i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
You Might Also Like
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.