Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The Friday File.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
you gotta be faster
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
vegan witches, happy halloween!