Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
when revenge coincides with naptime
The asteroid..
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Happy Friday
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?