They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?