Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
There’s no “us” in nachos.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.