I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.