To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.