Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My life coach traded me.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.