It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Sorry. Not sorry
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Best spot.. 😅
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant