Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Always 🥴
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.