I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
(Musicians.)
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep