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“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.