If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”