If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Has science gone too far?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.