Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists