let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
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I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.