When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
You Might Also Like
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Grandmother clock.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
fixed it
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”