ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
#Caturday
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
God, I love Scotland
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I need to get some bricks…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.