The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[eulogy]
line?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no