If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*