haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Tastes like chicken.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”