[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
lost dog
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.