vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.