Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Scream sneezers need love too.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
iPhone X
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life