Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
You Might Also Like
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
😅😅😅
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.