God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.