Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.