mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.