There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.