GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am