How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies