I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?