When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons