If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.