Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Welcome to the stomach
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*