Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
#parenting
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.